i'm free to be me

Once you realize that the only thing that is real in this life is what you get up and do, not what you say you want to do, or what you say in your head you’ll do, but only what you actually act upon… you’ll get rid of things in your life that hinder you from doing that thing. The thing that whispers at you quietly that you can’t get out of your head. Those things.

My life so far has been a beautiful mess of curiosity, fear, and joy. I’ve been surrounded my whole life by love. And I’ve been burdened by guilt. I’ve reached depths I’ve never imagined possible and I’ve recovered. I’ve done things I’m scared of. I’ve told people how I truly felt about them. I’ve made mistakes and I’ve apologized. I’ve surrendered. I’ve agonized.

And I’ve loved, openly and deeply. And all that’s left is for me to keep doing that. Loudly and proudly. I think it’s a great blessing to know who I am and to fear nothing. Not even death. Right now I’d say my biggest fear is if I let my past hold me back. I am free to be whatever version of myself calls to be at any given moment.

[from my journal - December 21, 2023]